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Let me tell y'all something. I say this all the time, and I absolutely mean it. I don't talk about things that I have not experienced myself. Now don't misunderstand me. That doesn't mean I've experienced everything, and it certainly doesn't mean I know everything. But when you hear me talking about healing, boundaries, unhealthy relationships, mental health, and choosing yourself, please understand that a lot of those conversations come from things I have personally experienced. And today I want to talk about something that's a little more personal, domestic violence. I have experienced physical abuse. I've experienced mental abuse. I have experienced controlling behavior, and I've experienced financial abuse. And here is the part that I really want you to hear. I didn't fully recognize some of what I experienced as abuse until I was out of those situations. Now I know somebody listening might be thinking, well, how could you not know? And that's exactly why we're having this conversation. Because sometimes you don't even recognize what's happening while you're living through it. Sometimes you don't have the language for it. And sometimes you're trying to make sense of things that actually don't make sense. And sometimes it's not until you're on the other side that you can look back and say, well, wait a damn minute. That wasn't love. That wasn't protection. That wasn't somebody looking out for me. That was actually control. Shit, that was manipulation. That was abuse. And today I'm going to talk about it. Not the people, not the details, but the experience, the awareness, and what I understand now that I didn't understand then. Let's get into it. Hey y'all. Welcome back to the Quietest Kept Podcast. I am your host, Shanti B, your mental health coach, your journal bait, and today we're doing something a little different. It is Wellness Wednesday. And because October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I wanted to have a conversation with y'all that I've been thinking about for a while. Now, if you've been following me and you know I've been talking about domestic violence throughout this month of October, we've had conversations about psychological abuse, emotional abuse, mental abuse, and control and financial abuse. And if you haven't witnessed those conversations, you're more than welcome to go to my YouTube channel and look at the replays of the lives that I had with some great co-hosts. And these conversations are important to me, not just because I'm a mental health advocate, not just because I'm a coach, but because I've experienced some of the very things we're talking about. And I think it's important for y'all to understand that. Now, before we get started, let me say this. You will not hear anybody's names, and I will not give any timelines. I'm not telling everybody's business. And I'm definitely not turning my podcast into a place where people from my past get free publicity. Absolutely not. We're not doing that because this isn't about them. This is about me using my experiences to bring awareness to something that far too many people experience without even realizing what's happening. And if somebody recognizes themselves in this conversation, then I'm glad we're having it. Now, sometimes you don't know what you're experiencing. And I want to start here because I think this is something people don't talk about enough. Everybody thinks they know what domestic violence looks like until they experience something that doesn't fit the picture they had in their head, right? We hear domestic violence, and immediately people think about somebody being physically assaulted. And yes, physical violence is absolutely domestic violence, but that's not the only way abuse shows up. Sometimes it's mental, sometimes it's emotional, sometimes it's financial. Sometimes it's somebody trying to control what you do, how you do it, and whether you get to make decisions for yourself. And here is where it gets complicated. When you're living through something, you don't always recognize it for what it is. You're not necessarily sitting there thinking, I'm being abused. No, you're trying to live your life. You're trying to make things work, you're trying to understand why certain things keep happening. And sometimes you start accepting things as normal because they've become familiar. Now, I want to make something clear. I'm not saying everybody's experiences, uh everybody's experience of abuse is the same way. Because we don't experience abuse the same way. But I know what it feels like to look back at certain experiences and realize I didn't fully understand what was happening at the time. And that realization can bring up a whole lot of feelings because you start thinking about things differently. You know, you start connecting the dots, you start recognizing patterns, and sometimes you find yourself asking questions that you never thought to ask before. And it's not because you're trying to live in a past, but because you're finally understanding it. And baby, let me tell you, understanding something after the fact doesn't mean you were foolish for not recognizing it sooner. It just means that you have information and perspective now that you didn't have back then while you were in it. So let's talk about mental abuse. I want to spend a little time here because this is something people can experience without anybody around them ever knowing. And I've experienced that. I'm not going to go into the details, but I'm going to talk about what mental abuse can do. You know, because sometimes people think abuse is only serious when somebody can physically see the damage. You know, that black eye, that bruise, that broken limb, broken bone, or whatever. But what happens when the damage is happening in your mind? When you start questioning your judgment, when you find yourself second-guessing decisions, when you're constantly trying to figure out whether you're overreacting, when you start wondering if your feelings are even valid. That can wear a person down, honey. And the thing is, you can still be functioning, still go to work, still handle your responsibilities, still laugh and have a great old time. And nobody has a clue what you're dealing with. That's why I'm always telling people to stop assuming somebody is okay just because they look okay. Because I have learned that appearances do not tell the whole story. And I want somebody listening to understand something. If a relationship constantly leaves you questioning your own reality, your worth, or your right to have feelings, that's something worth paying attention to. Now, I'm not saying every disagreement is abuse. People disagree, people misunderstand each other, people have difficult conversations, but there's a difference between a disagreement and an ongoing pattern of intimidation, manipulation, and control. And we need to understand that difference. Now let's get into control. Because this is another one, and I have experienced it. I think sometimes people confuse somebody wanting to control them with somebody caring about them. And I understand how that can happen because you know, control and behavior doesn't always announce itself as control. They're not gonna say, hey, I want to control you, right? No, sometimes it's presented as concern, I'm concerned about you, or sometimes it's presented as protection, or sometimes it's somebody saying they just want what's best for you. But here's my question: if somebody wants what's best for you, why do they need to take away your ability to decide what's best for yourself? Think about that. Because being in a relationship doesn't mean you stop being an individual person. You still have thoughts, you still have feelings, you still have opinions, and you still have the right to make decisions. And absolutely you have the right to say no. I had to learn the importance of autonomy. And when I say autonomy, I'm talking about having the freedom to make decisions about my life, not needing somebody else's permission to have an opinion, and not feeling like I have to explain every little thing, not feeling like disagreeing automatically means I've done something wrong. And I'm still intentional about practicing that to this day and will forever practice that because sometimes the things you've experienced can affect how you approach situations long after they're over. And that's why self-awareness matters. Love should not require you to surrender your independence. You can be connected to somebody without losing yourself in the process, and I really need somebody to hear that. Now let's talk about something that I really don't think is enough attention, and that is financial abuse. And yes, I have experienced that too. And I think when people hear financial abuse, they automatically picture somebody taking another person's paycheck. And yes, that can absolutely happen, but financial abuse can involve much more than that. It can involve restricting access to money, controlling financial decisions, creating dependence, or interfering with someone's ability to work, using financial resources as like a leverage, or making somebody feel like they have no options because of money. And here is something I want people to understand. Just because somebody has a job or makes their own money doesn't automatically automatically mean they're experiencing financial freedom. Let that sink in. Because people make a lot of assumptions about what financial abuse looks like. They assume that if somebody is educated, employed, or successful, they couldn't possibly be experiencing it. And I'm here to tell you that is not true. And I am speaking from experience when I tell you that financial abuse is real. Now I'm not going to get into what happened to me specifically. That's not necessary for the point I'm making. But I do want people to recognize that money can be used as a form of power and control. And when your financial independence is affected, it can affect other areas of your life too. Your choices, your sense of security, your ability to plan, your confidence in making decisions, and sometimes your ability to leave an unhealthy situation safely. So when somebody asks why a person doesn't just walk away, I need them to understand that there may be financial barriers they know absolutely nothing about. And that's why we need to stop judging situations we don't fully understand. And yes, I have experienced physical abuse. Now I want to acknowledge something else, and I'm gonna leave it right there as far as the details are concerned, because I don't need to describe what happened to make the experience real, but I do want to say this nobody deserves to be physically harmed by somebody who's supposed to care about them. Nobody. But acknowledging it doesn't mean I'm going to spend my time reliving it. Hell no. I know what happened, I know what I've experienced, and I don't have to give anybody a play-by-play. Now, here's something I really want to talk about because this is the part I think somebody listening may relate to. I didn't fully recognize some of the abuse until I was out of those situations. And looking back, I can see things differently now. Things I didn't necessarily question at the time, or things that I may not have had the language to describe. Things I understand today because I've done more work on myself. And that's something I want people to know. Sometimes awareness comes after the experience. Not everybody recognizes abuse while it's happening. Not everybody has the same understanding. Not everybody has the same resources, and not everybody processes their experience on the same timeline. And I want us to stop acting like recognizing abuse is always simple because it is not. Now, does that mean every difficult relationship is abusive? No, that is not what I'm saying. Does it mean every disagreement is manipulation? Absolutely not. But when there's a pattern of control, intimidation, violence, or behavior intended to take away somebody's independence, we need to take that seriously. And I think that's one of the reasons education matters, because the more we understand the different forms of abuse, the better equipped we may be to recognize concerning patterns and seek support. And I wish more people understood that. Now, let me say something because I want to be very intentional about this part. I'm not having this conversation to give anybody from my past attention. I'm not interested in discussing who did what. I'm not interested in revisiting every situation, and I'm certainly not interested in turning this into some back and forth about my experiences. No. My story belongs to me, and I get to decide how much of it I share. And that's something I understand today. Now, there was a time when I felt like I had to explain myself, explain my decisions, explain my feelings, explain why I felt the way I did. But I'm learning that I don't have to explain everything to everybody, and I don't have to defend every experience I've had. Sometimes I can simply acknowledge something and leave it there. And that is exactly what I'm doing today. I'm acknowledging that I've experienced domestic violence. I'm acknowledging that I didn't always recognize it for what it was, and I'm acknowledging that I've learned a lot about myself since then. That's the conversation. Because I have absolutely no interest in making the people connected to those experiences the main characters in my life today. They don't get the microphone, I do. Now, here's what I want you to understand about me. The woman that you see today didn't just wake up one morning knowing how to set boundaries. Child, please. I didn't always know how to choose myself. In fact, for most of my life, I did not choose myself. I didn't always understand the importance of protecting my emotional well-being. And I certainly didn't always recognize unhealthy patterns. I've had to learn, I've had to unlearn, I've had to get support, I've had to sit with some uncomfortable ass truths, and I've had to recognize things about myself that I didn't always want to acknowledge. Because healing isn't just about looking at what somebody else did, it's also about understanding how your experiences affected you and what you want to do differently moving forward. And I want to make this distinction very clear. Taking responsibility for my healing does not mean taking responsibility for somebody else's decision to mistreat me. Hell, to abuse me. Those are two different things. I can examine my choices, I can recognize my patterns, and I can work on my boundaries. I can learn how to trust myself and I can make different decisions moving forward without accepting responsibility for harm somebody else chose to cause. That's important. Because I don't want anybody listening to this episode thinking that healing requires you to blame yourself. No, it does not. And I'm not just talking to the ladies because men get abused too. And I also don't want you thinking that healing means you have to become somebody who never gets upset, never feels hurt, or never has a difficult day. Because that's not realistic either. I'm still human, I still have feelings, and I still have things I'm working on. And I'm okay acknowledging that. So now, when you hear me talking about domestic violence, maybe you'll understand why these conversations are so important to me. When I talk about mental abuse, I'm not just repeating something I read. You know, when I talk about control, I'm not just throwing around terminology. When I talk about financial abuse, I understand that it can affect a person's independence and choices. And when I talk about physical abuse, I understand that there's a human being behind those experiences because I've been there. And I don't share that because I think my experience is more important than anybody else's. No, I share it because I want people to understand that domestic violence doesn't always look the way we expect. And I want people who may be experiencing something similar to know that support exists. I also want people who never experienced abuse to think differently about how they respond to survivors. Stop asking questions that sound like accusations. For example, for physical abuse. One partner hit the other one, and you go ask the partner to got hit. Well, what you do to make them hit you? Don't do that. Stop assuming you know what somebody should have done. Because you weren't in it. It's easy to say what somebody should have done when it ain't you. And stop thinking that because somebody looks strong, they couldn't possibly be experiencing abuse. And please stop assuming that leaving a situation automatically means the emotional impact disappears. Because it doesn't. Sometimes there's still healing to do, and that is okay. Now, yeah, I know I wasn't gonna let y'all leave without your journal prompts. I don't care if this is a bonus episode, but because we're talking about domestic violence, I want you to approach these differently. If any question feels uncomfortable or overwhelming, skip it. And if you're in a situation where someone may monitor your phone, computer, or journal, please consider your safety before writing anything down. Here are your five questions. Have I ever looked back at a relationship or situation and recognized something I didn't understand while I was experiencing it? Number two, what does having the freedom to make my own decisions look like in a healthy relationship? Number three, have I ever confused control, jealousy, or possessiveness with love or protection? Four, what have my experiences taught me about the importance of emotional, physical, and financial safety? And five, what is one thing I can do to support my well-being without feeling like I have to explain or justify to everybody? And remember, you don't have to share your answers with anybody. Sometimes the most important conversation you have is the one that you're willing to have with yourself. Now, here is your wellness Wednesday reminder, and don't be looking for a bunch of Wellness Wednesday bonus episodes. This this one just pulled at my heart, and that's why I'm doing it today. You don't have to tell the whole story to tell the truth. And I want you to remember that because sometimes people feel like if they're going to speak about something, they have to explain everything, every little detail, every incident, every conversation, every person involved. No, the hell you don't. You can share what you're comfortable sharing. You can keep certain things private, you can acknowledge what happened without making it the center of your identity, and you can use your experiences to help somebody else without turning your life into a public discussion. And that's something I've learned. And it's something I'm choosing to practice. Now, before I go, I want to leave you with something. I know people see me today as a mental health coach, an author, a speaker, a woman who's always talking about healing and choosing yourself. And I'm proud of the work I do. Don't get it twisted. But I also want you to understand that there's a woman behind all of that. A woman who's experienced some things, a woman who didn't always recognize unhealthy situations, a woman who's had to learn how to trust herself again, a woman who's had to rebuild parts of her life again, and a woman who is still learning and growing continuously. I will never stop learning and growing. I have experienced physical abuse, mental abuse, control, and financial abuse. And while those experiences are part of my story, they are not the entirety of who I am. I'm not defined by what happened to me. I'm not obligated to spend the rest of my life discussing the people involved. And I don't have to give anybody access to the parts of my story that I'm not ready to share. But I can use my voice, and that's exactly what I'm doing. Because somewhere, somebody is listening to this episode and maybe recognizing something about their own experiences for the first time. And if that's you, I want you to know that you deserve support without judgment. You deserve to be treated with dignity, and you deserve the opportunity to make decisions about your life with your safety in mind. If you're in the United States and need domestic violence support, you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. That's 1-800-799-7233. Or you can text start S-T-A-R-T to 88788. And if you're concerned that somebody may be monitoring your phone or internet activity, please consider using a safer device when seeking help. I'm Shanti Boswell, your mental health coach, Journal Bay, and the host of the Quiet is Kept Podcast. Thank you for spending your wellness Wednesday with me. And remember something just because I didn't recognize it then doesn't mean I can't acknowledge it now. Keep healing, keep choosing yourself. And baby, you already know. Staying stuck ain't cute. I'll talk to y'all next time.