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Let me ask you something. Who told you that you weren't good enough? No, I'm for real. Who? Because I don't believe most of us came into this world thinking, oh, I'm ugly, I'm stupid, I'm so difficult, nobody loves me, I'm not worthy, nobody wants me, I'm not enough. Somewhere along the way, we learned those things. Maybe nobody said those exact words, but maybe they didn't have to. Maybe you were the child who never got picked, the one nobody invited, the one everybody had something to say about, the one who was constantly prepared to be compared to somebody else. The one whose parent never showed affection. The one whose partner kept cheating. The one who was told you were too much or not enough. And after hearing it and experiencing it and living it over and over and over again, you started believing it. And now you've grown, you're accomplished, you're educated, you're successful, you have built a life, but somewhere inside of you, there is still a little girl wondering, what's wrong with me? Baby, today we're talking about self-esteem, but not the cute version, not the version where somebody tells you to stand in the mirror and say you're beautiful five times. We're going deeper than that. Because sometimes you didn't just wake up with low self-esteem. You had experiences that convinced you something was wrong with you. And healing means learning that those experiences were real. But the conclusions you made about your worth may not have been true. So let's talk about it. Welcome back to the Quiet is Kept Podcast. I am Shanti Boswell, your master certified mental health coach, author, speaker, and your journal babe. And baby, we are at episode eight. If you have been following season three, you already know we have been digging deeper than we have before. We've talked about childhood wounds, we've talked about family dysfunction, wanting to be chosen, the lies that we tell ourselves, pretending that we're okay. And what happens when your first bully was home? Today we're connecting some of those dots because I want to talk about something I see in women all the time. Women who can accomplish damn near anything except for believe they're enough. Women who can encourage everybody else but can't encourage themselves. Women who can recognize somebody else's value, but they need constant reassurance about their own. And I want to ask, where did you learn to see yourself that way? Because that answer matters. Now I'm going to take you back to something I wrote in my book, uh Quiet is Kept. Growing up, I wanted to be liked. I wanted to belong, I wanted to fit in. And I remember being so smart in school. I knew I was smart, but being smart didn't always make me popular. And sometimes it made me a target. So what did I do? I started acting like I wasn't as smart as I actually was. Imagine that. A child intentionally dimming her own light because she wants people to accept her. Not what was best for me, not what reflected who I actually was, but what might make somebody choose me. And when I look back at that little girl now, I don't see somebody who was stupid. I see somebody who wanted connection, somebody who wanted acceptance, someone who didn't understand that she shouldn't have to become less of herself to be liked. But the thing is that behavior didn't just disappear when I graduated. Because when you learn early that acceptance requires performance, you carry that lesson into adulthood, and that's exactly what I did. You perform in relationships, you perform at work, you perform in friendships, you perform in your family, and then one day you realize I spent my whole life trying to be acceptable to everybody except myself. And that realization was hard. So let's talk about self-esteem. Self-esteem is essentially how we evaluate our own worth and value, how we see ourselves, what we believe about ourselves, whether we believe we're deserving of respect, love, and care. But self-esteem doesn't develop in isolation. Our experiences can influence it. The messages we receive, the relationships we have, the way we're treated, the things we're told, and the meaning we assign to those experiences. Let me give you an example. A child gets rejected by a group of friends, right? That's an experience. But then the child decides nobody likes me. That's an interpretation. And then something must be wrong with me. That's a belief. And then I need to change myself so people will like me. That's a behavior. You see how quickly we got there? One experience can become a belief, and repeated experiences can make that belief feel like a fact. But here's what I want you to understand an experience, you may have been criticized. That happened. But criticism does not automatically mean the criticism was true. Did y'all hear me? You may have been abandoned. Yes, that happened. But abandonment doesn't mean you're disposable. And this is where healing gets complicated because we're not pretending those things didn't happen, we're questioning what we decided they mean about us. Now, let's talk about the evidence that you have collected over the years. Think about a courtroom. Somebody presents evidence, and based on that evidence, a conclusion gets made. Well, sometimes we spend our childhood collecting evidence against ourselves. Daddy didn't show up, evidence. Mama didn't give me hugs, evidence. They didn't invite me, evidence. My partner cheated, evidence. Then they had nerve to leave. Evidence. They criticize me. Evidence. They chose somebody else. Evidence. And eventually we reach a verdict. I'm not enough. But what if the evidence never proved that? What if it proved somebody was unavailable? What if it proved somebody was unkind? What if it proved somebody lacked emotional maturity? What if it proved somebody couldn't give you what you needed? What if it proved you were in an unhealthy environment? So what if that verdict was wrong? Baby, some of us have been serving a life sentence based on a verdict we reached when we were 12, and nobody ever told us we can reopen a case. Well, I'm here to tell you that you can. So when the people who love you hurt your self-esteem, that part can be difficult because sometimes the people who influenced how you saw yourself were people who loved you. Could have been your parents, your grandparents, your siblings, caregivers, people who may have provided for you, protected you in certain ways, made sacrifices for you, and still said or did things that affected your self-worth. Maybe affection was missing. Maybe criticism was constant. Maybe love felt conditional. Maybe you were compared to other children. Maybe your feelings were dismissed. Maybe nobody celebrated you. Maybe you were only praised when you achieved something. And now you're grown, still trying to earn the approval that you didn't receive. You're still looking for somebody to say, I'm proud of you. You did good. You're enough. I love you. And sometimes those words never come from the person you wanted to hear them from. And that, my friends, is painful. But here's the question: How long are you going to let somebody else's inability to recognize your worth determine whether you recognize it? Because at some point you have to stop handing people the authority to define you, even the people you love. Now, did you know? This is the psychology of rejection. There is research showing that childhood maltreatment is associated with lower self-esteem. And that makes sense. When a child repeatedly experiences rejection, neglect, humiliation, or abuse, those experiences can influence how they see themselves. But association doesn't mean destiny. And it doesn't mean every person who experiences childhood adversity will develop low self-esteem. People respond differently. Supportive relationships absolutely matter. Healing matters. Therapy can help. Coaching can help. Being in a community, like-minded community can help. And importantly, the beliefs we develop can be examined and changed. That is why I want us to move beyond that's just how I am. Because sometimes that is not who you are. That's what you learn to believe about yourself. And learned beliefs can be challenged. And they will as long as you are rocking with me. I'm always going to challenge your beliefs that were learned. So when low self-esteem looks like success, here's where I'm going to mess with some of y'all. Because everybody thinks low self-esteem looks like somebody walking around with their head down, somebody who's shy, who's insecure, somebody who's never who never accomplishes anything. That's not necessarily true. Sometimes low self-esteem has three degrees: a six-figure salary, a successful business, a beautiful house, a whole damn resume, and still need somebody to say, you did good. You matter. You're impressive. You're worthy. Sometimes achievement becomes a way of proving yourself. If I accomplish enough, maybe they'll respect me. If I earn enough, maybe they'll value me. If I look good enough, maybe they'll choose me. If I become successful enough, maybe I finally feel like I'm enough. But here is the problem. If your worth is always attached to your next accomplishment, you will never arrive. Because there's always another goal, another degree, another award, a promotion, another person to impress. And I say this as somebody who knows what overachieving looks like. Sometimes you're not chasing the goal, you're chasing the feeling you think achieving the goal will finally give you. Sit with that. Now let's talk about relationships. Because this is where low self-esteem can get expensive. Emotionally, mentally, sometimes financially. You meet somebody, they give you attention, they pursue you, they compliment you, and suddenly you feel valuable. Not because your value changed, because somebody is recognizing it. And then they start pulling away. And now you panic. Damn, what did I do? What's wrong with me? Am I not attractive enough? Am I too much? Did I say something wrong? Do they like somebody else? And now you're working overtime trying to get back the attention that made you feel worthy. Baby, that is a dangerous place to live. Because when somebody else becomes the source of your worth, their behavior becomes the measurement. They text, you're valuable. They don't text, you're not. They choose you, you're enough. They leave you, you're not. And you can spend years trying to convince somebody to love you because you think their love will finally prove something about you. But let me remind you of something. Somebody choosing you does not create your worth. And somebody rejecting you, damn sure, does not erase it. Now, this is the last week in October. This whole month has been Domestic Violence Awareness Month and Breast Cancer Awareness Month, but I've been solely focusing on Domestic Violence Awareness Month because we've been having some important conversations. And I want to address something that doesn't always get enough attention. How emotional and psychological abuse can affect someone's self-esteem. Sometimes abuse doesn't begin with somebody hitting you. Sometimes it begins with criticism, humiliation, isolation, control, intimidation, constant accusations, making you question yourself, making you feel like you've always you're always doing something wrong. Maybe somebody tells you, nobody else will want you. You lucky I put up with you. You crazy. You're too sensitive. Baby, you ain't shit without me. You can't survive without me. And after hearing those messages repeatedly, some people begin to internalize that. They stop trusting themselves, they stop believing they deserve better. They start questioning their own judgment. They may become afraid to make decisions. And when outsiders ask, why don't they just leave? They are missing something important. Abuse can affect how someone sees themselves, their opinions, their options, their ability to act safely. And leaving can involve serious risks for some people. So instead of judging survivors, we need to understand the impact of abuse and support people without taking away their autonomy. Abuse does not have to leave a bruise to leave damage. And I need somebody to hear this because there are people listening who have never been physically assaulted by their partner, but they have been humiliated, they've been controlled, they've been threatened, they've been isolated, manipulated, constantly criticized, made to feel afraid, and they keep saying, but they ain't never hit me. Baby, physical violence is not the only form of intimate partner abuse. Psychological aggression and coercive control matter too. And if you're listening to this thinking, damn, that sounds familiar. I want you to know that you deserve support. You don't have to prove your experience is serious enough by waiting for it to become physical. And if you don't have to make any decision about your relationship based on a podcast episode, let me say that again. You don't have to make any decision about your relationship based on a podcast episode. Your circumstances matter, your safety matters, your choices matter. And if you need support, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available in the United States. Call 1-800-799-7233. Or you can text the word start, S-T-A-R-T to 88788. If you're concerned that someone may be monitoring your devices, please consider your digital safety when accessing resources. The person who criticized you isn't always the person you're still listening to. I want to bring this back to self-esteem because sometimes the person who originally criticized you isn't even in your life anymore, but their voice is. You make a mistake and you hear, you stupid. You look in the mirror and you hear, you ugly. You need to lose weight. You get rejected and you hear, nobody wants you. You try something new and you hear who she thinks she is. You receive a compliment and you immediately dismiss it. You accomplish something, and instead of celebrating, you focus on what you could have done better. At some point, we have to ask, whose voice am I using when I talk to myself? Because some of us have become our own biggest bully. And the person who originally taught us that language doesn't even have to participate anymore. We're doing the work for them for free every damn day. Right, here's your hard truth of the week. Just because somebody treated you like you weren't valuable doesn't mean they weren't they were qualified to determine your value. I'm gonna say that again. Just because somebody treated you like you weren't valuable doesn't mean they were qualified to determine your value, because they're not. Nobody is qualified to determine your value. Some people just didn't know how to love you, some people didn't know how to encourage you, some were emotionally unavailable, some people were just damn cruel, some were abusive, some people were dealing with their own issues, and some people simply didn't choose you. None of that automatically means something was wrong with you. Sometimes the person who made you feel worthless wasn't a reliable judge of your worth in the first damn place. Think about that. Stop trying to win approval from people who keep moving the finish line. Some of us are still trying to win approval from people who would never give it. You do something, not enough. You accomplish something, could have done better. You make a change. Now you're acting different. You set a boundary, you're selfish. You speak up, you're disrespectful, you stay quiet, you're weak. You can't win for losing. Because the standard keeps changing, and you keep thinking, well, maybe if I try harder, maybe if I explain better, maybe if I become more successful, maybe if I prove myself. Baby, no. At some point you have to ask, why am I working this hard to be approved by somebody who doesn't even treat me with basic respect? That's not confidence, that is exhaustion, and you're wearing yourself the hell out. Over somebody who will never respect you, who will never treat you right. And it has nothing to do with you, it has everything to do with them. So remember that courtroom analogy I talked about earlier? We're gonna go back there because I want you to challenge the verdict you reached about yourself. Here's the exercise: write down one negative belief. For example, I'm not lovable, and then ask what experiences contributed to this belief? Maybe your parent wasn't affectionate, maybe your partner cheated, maybe somebody abandoned you, maybe you were rejected. And now ask, what did those experiences actually prove? Did they prove you were unlovable? Or did they prove somebody didn't know how to love you well? Did they prove you weren't enough? Or did they prove somebody had different needs, limited capacity, or harmful behavior? Did they prove you were worthless, or did they prove you were treated unfairly? Now ask, what evidence have I ignored because it doesn't support the negative story I've been telling myself? The people who showed up, the friendships that were healthy, the moments you were loved, the ways you've grown, the things you've survived, the qualities you appreciate about yourself, and finally, what would a more accurate belief sound like? Not a fake ass affirmation, not something you don't believe, something grounded. Maybe I've experienced rejection, but rejection doesn't define my worth. Or maybe some people have hurt me, but that doesn't mean I'm unlovable. Or I made mistakes, but mistakes do not make me worthless. Or I don't have to be perfect to deserve respect. That's how we begin challenging the story. Okay, so now here we go with the journal check-in. You already know, here go your five prompts. And I don't want you to rush these. Number one, what experiences first made me question my worth, attractiveness, intelligence, lovability, or value? Think about the earliest messages you remember. What negative belief about myself have I been treating like a fact simply because I believed it for so long? Where did it come from? Number three, whose approval am I still trying to earn? And what do I believe receiving that approval will finally prove about me? Be honest. Number four, where have I accepted less than I deserve because I believed I had to earn love, respect, attention, or belonging? And what did that cost you? And your last one. If I stopped using other people's behavior as evidence of my worth, how would I begin treating myself differently? What would change? Your boundaries, your relationships, your choices, your self-talk, your standards. I want you to sit with that. Because these are serious questions that only you can answer for yourself. And please be honest with yourself when you answer them. All right, what I'm unlearning this week. I'm unlearning that other people's inability to recognize my value means I have to prove it harder. Absolutely not. I'm unlearning that rejection automatically means something is wrong with me. I'm unlearning that criticism is always truth. Just because somebody criticizing you don't mean that it's true. I'm unlearning that being chosen makes me worthy. Because it don't. Being chosen just means they chose you. It has nothing to do with your worth. You determine your worth, not somebody else. Am I unlearning that I have to keep carrying the beliefs I developed when I didn't know any better? Because the little girl who wanted everybody to like her didn't have the information that I have now. She didn't understand boundaries. She didn't understand self-worth. She didn't understand why people behave the way they did. She just wanted to belong. And I can have compassion for her without allowing her fears to make every decision for the woman I am today. You heard? So if you've been listening to the season three, uh season three of Quiet is Kept Podcast, you probably notice how much of this conversation connects to my memoir, Quiet is Kept. And that is very intentional, ladies, because I want you to understand that healing isn't just about what happened to you, it's about what you believed because of what happened. In my book, I talk about childhood experiences like rejection, bullying, relationships, self-esteem, and eventually doing the work to understand myself. I talk about wanting to belong. I talk about damning my light, struggling with my own sense of worth, and how therapy and journaling helped me begin questioning things I believed for years. That's why I wrote the book, Quiet as Kept. Not to convince you that my life was harder than yours, but to show you what can happen when somebody finally starts telling the truth about their experiences. If you haven't read it yet, I encourage you to go get your copy and keep your journal nearby because my story might bring up some questions about yours. And if today's episode has you realizing, I've been questioning my worth for years. I've been trying to earn approval, I've been people pleasing, I've been overachieving, I've been tolerating unhealthy relationships, I've been letting rejection define me, and I don't know how to stop. That's why my coaching can help, honey. Through Boswell Coaching and Consulting, I work with people who are ready to look at the patterns, keeping them stuck. We're not just identifying where the belief came from. We're asking, what is it costing you now? How is it affecting your decisions? What boundaries do you need? What behaviors need to change? What would choosing yourself actually look like? Because awareness matters. But baby, you already know what I say. Staying stuck ain't cute. If you're ready to work with me, visit my website, shantib.com to explore my coaching services. And if you're currently experiencing abuse or have safety concerns, please seek specialized domestic violence support. Coaching is not a substitute for safety planning, emergency assistance, therapy, or legal support when those are needed. Now here's your quote: You weren't born questioning your worth. You learned to question it. And what you learned, you can begin to challenge. I need you to write that down. So I'm gonna say it again. You weren't born questioning your worth. You learned to question it. And what you learned, you can begin to challenge. Now, before we go, I want you to think about something. What if the problem was never that you weren't enough? What if you were simply surrounded by people who couldn't see you clear, who couldn't see you clearly? What if the rejection wasn't proof that you were unlovable? What if the criticism wasn't proof that you were inadequate? What if the abandonment wasn't proof that you were disposable? What if the person who cheated wasn't proof that you weren't attractive enough? What if the parent who couldn't show affection wasn't proof that you didn't deserve affection? What if you spent years trying to fix something about yourself that was never broken in the first place? Now don't misunderstand me. We all have things we need to work on. We all have behaviors that need accountability, and we all have room to grow. But growth is different from trying to earn your right to exist. You don't have to become perfect to deserve respect. You don't have to become successful to deserve love. You don't have to become smaller to belong. You don't have to become somebody else to be worthy. And you don't have to keep collecting evidence against yourself. Baby, it's time to reopen a case. Look at the facts, question the verdict, and stop allowing people who mishandled you to have the final say about who you are. I'm Shanti B, and this is the Quietest Kept Podcast. Keep healing, keep choosing yourself. And remember, somebody else's inability to see your worth does not make you worthless. I'll talk to y'all next time.